TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It's that he really should halt employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You realize, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from House, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting focus from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have turn-down assistance."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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